The submission I’ll be adding to our script late tonight has very little in common with the one I’m showcasing here today.
The “winning” pages seem light, almost tossed off, while this runner-up by KP Mackie, a San Diego proofreader and mother of three teenage boys, is thought-provoking and layered with back-story.
KP, who reads screenplays as a hobby and once graded 75 entries for the HBO/Bravo series "Project Greenlight" begins her submission with the mayor and Celeste arriving at her mansion. As they rekindle an old relationship, we learn a dozen little details -- the kind of soda her husband Larry drinks; Russell’s distaste for “warm and fuzzy” velour drapes -- that make characters come to life.
We slowly realize these two were once married, a bond that dissolved partly because of her flirtation with Larry. The emotional ties get even more complex when two cops arrive with the distressing news of Larry’s murder. One of the officers is Russell’s daughter from before his union with Celeste.
The entry also includes a couple of pages at the crime scene, featuring a gritty but amusing bit where a detective discovers peat residue on Larry’s mouth and says, “I’d sue the restaurant that gave this guy his last meal.”
As you read KP’s work and re-read it, you appreciate how carefully she’s crafted several interwoven relationships.
So why didn’t I choose it to include in our script over one that is seemingly less substantive? For one thing, I felt she actually gave us too much character information too fast. Sometimes it’s best to let the reader discover this many complex details slowly throughout the course of a story.
For another thing, just because a scene like our winning submission seems to be effortlessly banged out doesn’t mean that it was. I’ll have more on that tomorrow, after the new pages are posted.
